1) I'm in 4th year of uni now.
2) I had a crazy 3rd year, and I think my 4th year is about to prove itself crazier than last year.
3) I had a lot on my plate last year, and even more on my plate now, just in different aspects of my life.
4) In 1st year I thought I had my life figured out.
5) In 2nd year I questioned that.
6) In 3rd year I was a little lost from all the questioning, but I found out a lot about myself and realized that there's a lot I didn't know about myself.
7) Now I'm in 4th year and after feeling like everything I've ever known about myself has come to pieces, I'm suddenly back on track and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about what I'm doing with my life. However, I'm also ready to tackle the circus that all of this has been, it's just that I've been feeling like not myself in the process, but I'm ready as I'll ever be.
This is where my blog post begins.
I've struggled a lot these past two years with what everyone seems to be calling, "An Existential Crisis." I'm the kind of person who spends their time thinking instead of doing. However, even with that core quality, I don't think I've ever had the chance to ask myself the real life, long-term questions. I've only really spent my time thinking about how to satisfy my short-term goals.
Now, I'm not sure if what I'm about to mention is unique to my personality/personality type, or if it's something everyone deals with but, I'm obsessed with having to know every little detail about what I'm doing at all times. I have to plan things, I have to be aware of my next move, and most importantly, I have to know how much room I have to make mistakes.
Fundamentally, I'm aware that this system is setting itself up for failure, and I'm sure you know why.
It's evident that we can't always be aware of what comes next, in fact, we are almost NEVER aware of what comes next. All we know is what's happening in the present, and to be honest, I was never the one to appreciate the present. I've always been the individual who's chosen to work herself up about a past she can't change, and a future she knows nothing about.
Why do I do this you ask? I wish I could say, "I have no idea," and just deal with it but, to be fair, I think I do it because I don't like the feeling of falling. I want to make sure that I have some kind of grasp on what I'm having trouble with in my life so I can find a solution for everything. I guess in the simplest of terms, I like being in control of what I do and how things work out.. or at least having the illusion that I'm in control. Now, do you see my problem?
Taking this information, I'm starting to dig into what has been happening these past two years and I've realized that it's not like I've been rudely awakened by the phase in my life where I'm supposed to be growing up. I think I've just been really anxious and unsure about everything these past two years because I'm finally having to face the fact that my so-called "Floor Plan of Life" isn't exactly foolproof. In fact, I'm pretty sure it hasn't been working at all. So if you think of me as some kind of computer program, it's almost like the algorithm that I've used to identify problems and solutions has suddenly been revealed to be doing the opposite, that is, creating more problems and losing all the solutions. SO YEAH, I GUESS I'M GROWING UP, WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!
So now what? Well, I haven't had much of an answer to this question until about 2 weeks ago, and I think I'm just arriving at a very convoluted solution, but here's my attempt to explain it to you:
I recently found a great quote by THE Tony Stark himself, Elon Musk, and it goes like this:
"My drive to get it done is somewhat disconnected from hope, enthusiasm… or anything else. I just…I actually don’t care about hope or enthusiasm or motivation. I just give everything I’ve got irrespective of what the circumstances may be. You just keep going and get it done." Source found here
To be honest, this quote is amazing but it has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Yeah, I hear you, I get it, Elon isn't exactly your regular dude. I guess it's just normal to think that enthusiasm, hope, and motivation are 3 of the most fundamental ingredients that go into getting stuff done, but you know, you don't exactly get "normal vibes" from Elon Musk.
But then again, as he always does, Elon got me thinking - and I've come to the conclusion that maybe he's right. I mean he has proved every person who's ever doubted him wrong and then some, so I guess that puts him up there in the ranks. He's also a really smart and caring guy that's not even cocky at all about his money (except for when he bought his McLaren, that was hilarious https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb3pmifEZ44) and is like I don't know, a father of the modern age or something -- so I guess his resume's enough of an indication that you should agree with practically everything he says.
But all non-jokes aside, I also think he's right because he's pushing against the very issue I've been having in my own life, and that is, the issue of needing an explanation for every little thing, having control over every little thing, seeking a way to bring calm to the chaos that is essential for human survival.
What I'm getting at is, what if we just let life keep going, grab our own actions by the horns and let reactions happen around us, and most importantly, what if we do things because they're right? You know, do things because we ought to, not because we want to.
Took me a while to figure this out even if it's basically what every rad person including St. JPII has been saying SINCE TIME but I guess that's what it takes right? A little tour through the crazy stuff to want a taste of what it'd be like if you did what you knew was right.