I think the last time I was on here was November. I had a lot going on then. I guess it was mainly confusion. I still feel it now, but today's different.
My undergrad experience has been so beautiful so far. I've met so many amazing people who I know I'll be friends with for life, I've had the privilege of receiving education from some of the most passionate instructors, and I've been able to grow up a little more.
You know how people always say, "Don't worry, there's more to life than now, it gets better?" I would have to agree with that, but in many ways I think people forget the fact that you have to go through a lot first. Now, I'm not speaking from a position that claims to understand it all because trust me, I'm sure the worst of crises hasn't hit me yet, but I am speaking from a position of middle ground.
About a year and a half ago I watched this movie by Olivier Assayas called "Clouds of Sils Maria," and while I watched it because I have the biggest crush on Kristen Stewart, I also became fascinated with its ability to focus on the middle of a story. I've become more and more aware of the importance of individual scenes rather than general plots during my undergraduate degree and it's proven to be a reminder of what stories are really about. They're never about the beginning or the end, they're always about the middle.
This year has honestly been much more intense than last year. I've taken up 4 volunteering positions outside of school and while they've been incredibly rewarding, they've also been quite difficult to balance. I'm finding that this year has been a direct antithesis of last year in the sense that I'm almost never home and I'm almost never in one place for a long period of time. I've honestly been feeling like I've lost myself in many ways. I've decided to remain positive and think that maybe this feeling of losing myself means that I'm not losing myself per se, but merely losing parts of myself that are not meant to carry on. Subtle parts, but parts nonetheless.
I have this horrible habit of thinking too much about the beginning and the end that the middle ground always seems to pass without me being fully aware of it. The middle ground is the toughest but also the best part. The middle ground is where we find ourselves, it's where we begin to know ourselves, and it's where we fall in love with the things to come.
I'm learning to slow down, calm down, and merely look at what's in front of me. I feel like we forget to do that too often. All we really have to do is look at what's in front of us and move forward from there.
I hope this comes to you at a good time and that you're taking time to breathe and merely see what's in front of you. Linger in the middle ground, it's the only place you're meant to.